Sometimes a boss finds themselves in one of those impossible leadership moments — having to raise a personal, sensitive issue with an employee, around work performance, something physical or hygiene-based, attitude, demeanour and more.
While always attempting to approach this stuff with empathy, discretion, and the best of intentions – even handled delicately – the discussion can often go pear-shaped. Employees can take the feedback personally, choose to leave, make a scene, and potentially take it further. It’s not the result anybody wants!
It’s one of those moments every manager dreads — you think you’re doing the right thing, but the fallout tells a very different story. And it begs the question: why can negative feedback, even when well-intentioned, blow up in your face? 💥
We Used To Suck It Up — But Times Have Changed
Back in the day, some workplaces were ruthless about appearance and behaviour, right down to a dress code, colour of your lipstick etc.
Today, the workplace is a different beast. The pendulum has swung toward empathy, inclusivity, and psychological safety (which is a good thing). But it also means feedback has become trickier terrain. There’s a finer line than ever between “constructive feedback” and “personal criticism.”
Science Behind Why “Weakness-Focused Feedback” Backfires
Two senior HR experts recently wrote in HDR about the psychology of feedback. Traditionally, feedback has focused on identifying what an employee is doing wrong — what needs to be “fixed.” But this approach often triggers what’s known as the self-protection response.
When We Feel Personally Criticised, Our Brain Interprets Threat
Even when feedback is delivered kindly, it can spark shame, embarrassment, or anger — especially when the topic is personal (like the aforementioned hygiene, breath, or behaviour that invades social space).
And here’s the kicker: because the past can’t be changed, weakness-focused feedback can make employees feel trapped — they can’t “undo” what’s already been done. The emotional charge that follows can send performance and morale further downhill.
So, how do you have these awkward, necessary conversations without setting off fireworks?
🤗 Lead with Empathy — but don’t Sugarcoat
Be kind, but also clear. The goal is to support, not to scold.
🙌🏼 Frame it as Future-Focused Coaching, not Criticism
Instead of “this is what’s wrong,” try “here’s how we can improve moving forward.”
👉🏼 Acknowledge the Discomfort
Naming the awkwardness (“I know this might be uncomfortable, but I want to talk about something important for your professional wellbeing”) can reduce defensiveness.
🤐 Protect Privacy and Dignity
Always have these talks in private, and avoid gossip or follow-up conversations with other team members.
🗣 Ask before Assuming
Sometimes personal issues (like stress, medical conditions, or cultural habits) may be contributing factors. A curious, compassionate tone can prevent shame.
Feedback is supposed to help people grow — but when it touches something personal, even the best-intentioned words can sting. The line between helpful and hurtful has never been thinner.
Still, difficult conversations are part of leadership. The goal isn’t to avoid them — it’s to approach them with awareness, humility, and humanity.
Because while feedback may hurt in the moment, handled right, it can also open the door to trust, clarity, and genuine improvement.
Sometimes the truth just needs a softer landing. 💘
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